Why did i let myself fall so deep. Why do i fucked up everything. Why i always do wrong instead of right. Why do i let myself be vulnerable. Why...
Can someone just come and tell me why. Is it because im lazy,  is it because im bad, is it because of me. It happened once, it'll happen again sooner or later, but i don't want it to happen.
How ignorant can i be, how naive can i be.
Sometimes it hurts so bad that it brings me back to the time, where i wish my life is over. seems like running away is the only thing im good at. i still remember telling myself i have to be strong, but look how shitty im now. do you still love me, or you're just saying it because you need to. i have no confidence in you and more so me. i hate myself too for being this way. can someone just tightly hold my hand and pull me out of the abyss i made myself.

I said you don't have worry about me.
I said i don't really care.
I said you dont have to consider my feelings.
I said i'm nothing, you are more important.

I told myself to be strong.
I told myself to smile.
I told myself to live.
I told myself to stop talking.
I told myself to listen.
I told myself if i'm good to others, may they will be good to me.

I thought i know what to do.
I thought i know a lot.
I thought i'm moving on.
I thought i've given up.
I thought i've lose hope.
I thought i can't be saved.

so much i, that its seems like i'm selfish.
I'm so selfish and greedy, am i allowed to ask for more.
Maybe not alot more, but just one?

I can't save myself, it like falling into a deeper and darker abyss.
so before i'm eaten inside out, can you pull me out and tell me everything
is fine?

Life pt6

So in the end we got ounish today cause one of my platoon mates lost his stuffs. I don't rewlly mind cause in the end everybody makes mistakes. Just make sure its not repeated mistakes that's all.

Excited for tml route march and swimming. Hoping tml will be a better day.

Would you ever come back?

-Sand

Life pt5

Today was the most relaxing day for this 2 weeks, we only had one activity in the morning then admin time all the way until lunch thn for dinner. My wrist starts to hurt more today, not showing sign of it recovering but who care still can do stuffs.

Slowly slowly it had been 12 days since i start my ptp. Times past quite fast, slping just to prepare for the physical training the next day, and waking up on time so we don't get fucked.

The longing starts to go away, maybe all i want is just someone to be there about me. Someone there so i can rant to, someone there to find support from, someone there to look forward to booking out, someone there so i can try my best just for her, someone there so i can be myself. But finding someone just because to satisfy my own wants is selfish. I dont want to hurt anyone in the process of making myself happy.

- Sand

Life pt4

Tired! Today was effing tired @.@ all the exercise and running. Learn the songs for marching today. Was fun ~  Actually there's nth much today. Was tired thru the whole day, did take the effort to rmb abt things.

Ohhh we got knock it down even though we have immunity of the first 2wks hahahaha. That's how bad our platoon are. Seen all sorts of ppl, those that totally don't give a effing damm abt the whole platoon and do just what they want. Fking assholes. Thinking about thay makes my head hurts. And i signed up for the safra card alrdy. Hahahah. The only thing good about army.

I miss you, ys.

-Sand

Life pt3

Being in army makes you forget about which day today is. Hahaha all i do is just wake up survive the whole day thn rest at night only. Did cpr lessons today, got my cert to say that i'm certified to do cpr. Not that i'll really do it. 

I'm really glad that my section are really fun people. People that push you forward, asking you to try harder, laugh together and get fucked together. So glad for them. They are the only current motivation i have to work harder for myself and as a whole section. 

I started to dream much more often too. Mostly about you. I sometimes really wonder why am i so hung up in this hopeless situation. It's not like it'll get better, it's not like you will ever want to get back with me. And its almost impossible that we'll get back tgt. You alwayd said you love me more thn i do for you. From wht i see right now, i seriously doubt it. Tbh i dont even know if i really love you, i just know i can't let go of you. Not soon not in the near future.

-Sand

 

Life pt2

It has been 2 days i guess since my last post. Didnt had time to use my phone at all. Lot's of admin things to do. Had my conditioning 2.4km run ytd, it has been a long time since i last ran a full 2.4km. Dead tired after it.

Ohhh btw my section had a new mate, he effing buff though. But he likes anime too ^^ A fun section mate to have. A section mate just went home cause of scald infection :( hopes he come back soon.

In the end you didn't leave my thoughts after all. Being in my life for sub 3 years, i turn to you after almost everything. Support, strenght and company all comes from just talking to you. I feel at peace when i talk to you and hear your voice. You may not know, and i may not show it but you're already an irreplacable part of me.

I will pull through and i must. For what i want to do and what i dream to do. Continue some other time.

-Sand